Control Isn’t The Solution. It’s The Very Essence Of The Problem.
The human tendency to avoid pain is powerful. It’s why so many of us seek help—or any kind of distraction—when unwanted or uncomfortable feelings appear. I can’t think of anybody who genuinely enjoys the feelings of grief, shame, guilt, or embarrassment.
We’re taught to solve problems, eliminate threats, and gain control over our environment. So, when internal suffering appears, our mind treats it like an external threat: a problem to be solved, eliminated, or ignored. The trouble is, when we ignore how we feel, we are essentially ignoring a fundamental part of ourselves.
This instinct to fight our feelings is the very trap that keeps us stuck.
The Quicksand Paradox: Fighting Versus Floating
Think back to the old adventure movies where the bad guy and the good guy both fall into quicksand. They’re submerged up to their chins, gasping for air.
Immediately, the bad guy panics. He swims like he’s being chased by Jaws and flails while in the sinking mess, desperate to gain something solid to pull himself out. Inevitably, his frantic movement just sucks him down faster, leaving behind nothing but his hat and a few bubbles. He didn’t drown from the quicksand; he drowned from his struggle.
Meanwhile, the good guy takes a slower, more methodical approach. He acknowledges the terrifying predicament he’s in. Instead of trying to escape the quicksand, he tries to float. He moves slowly, deliberately, spreading out his weight, and eventually, he makes his way to safety.
Both recognized they were stuck. One resisted the stuckness. The other accepted it. Acceptance paid off.
The Mind: A Problem-Solving Machine Out of Place
Our mind is a brilliant problem-solving machine. Got icy steps? Salt them. The dog barking? Put him in another room. Raining? Grab an umbrella. This approach works flawlessly in the external world.
But when we apply this problem-solving mindset to our internal world—our abstract world of thoughts, feelings, urges, and memories—it fails spectacularly. When we try to “solve” internal suffering by avoiding or suppressing it, we only create more suffering. What we resist, will persist. We sink deeper into our own emotional quicksand.
- Addiction is a prime example. It’s the ultimate short-term escape from uncomfortable feelings like boredom, isolation, or depression. That drink, that scroll, that purchase offers a momentary feeling of control. But the energy spent on avoiding suffering ensures suffering’s return in the long term, intensifying the addiction cycle.
- Anxiety is the other great sinkhole. Everyone is fixated on getting away from their anxiety, failing to recognize that anxiety, in healthy doses, is actually a useful signal. With Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), the fixation on avoiding the feeling of anxiety leads to anxiety about the anxiety. It’s a closed-loop system powered by the belief that control is the answer.
The goal, then, isn’t to change your feelings, but to change your relationship with them. This shift is central to the effectiveness of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) principles.
If you’re recognizing your own quicksand pattern—where your attempts to gain control only make you sink faster—then you’ve already taken the most important step. The problem isn’t the fact that you’re in quicksand; the problem is the struggle.
Conclusion: The Choice to Float
If you recognize your own quicksand pattern—where your most desperate efforts to gain emotional control only make you sink faster—you’ve taken the most courageous first step. You’ve recognized that the problem isn’t your feelings, but your reaction to them. You are standing on the edge of a critical decision:
Do you continue to thrash against the unchangeable reality of your internal experience, or do you choose to float?
The good news is that the capacity to float—to accept your feelings while still moving toward a life you value—is a skill that can be trained.
About the Author
Jeff Boss, RC
Jeff is a licensed Resident Counselor in Virginia with a special interest in working with Trauma and PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, Self-Esteem, Work/Life Balance, Personal Growth, Life and Career Changes, Relationship ...
