Most of us have heard of the body’s stress responses: fight, flight, or freeze. These primal survival strategies are built into our nervous system to keep us safe when we sense danger. But in recent years, therapists have identified a fourth response: fawning.
A recent New York Times article, “How ‘Fawning’ Is Ruining Your Relationships,” explored how excessive people-pleasing can trap people in cycles of insecurity and disconnection. Many readers resonated with stories of constantly worrying about whether friends, colleagues, or partners were upset with them — and working overtime to smooth things over, often at their own expense.
At the Counseling Center Group, where we specialize in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), we often see how these stress responses show up in clients’ lives. Whether it’s a teen who lashes out in anger, a young adult who avoids conflict at all costs, or a parent who freezes when emotions escalate, these patterns are deeply human — and deeply important to understand.
This post explores the four stress responses, how they affect relationships, and how evidence-based therapy can help you or your loved ones move toward healthier patterns.
The Science of Stress Responses
Our nervous system is wired to detect danger through what psychologists call the “threat response system.” When our brain senses risk — whether physical or emotional — it activates automatic behaviors designed to protect us.
Traditionally, psychologists described three options:
- Fight: Confront the threat head-on.
- Flight: Escape from the threat.
- Freeze: Shut down or “play dead” to avoid harm.
More recently, therapists like Pete Walker and Meg Josephson have highlighted a fourth response: fawn. Fawning is an extreme form of people-pleasing, often developed in childhood as a way to stay safe in unpredictable or threatening environments.
Fight: When Stress Sparks Anger
The fight response mobilizes us to defend ourselves. Adrenaline surges, our heart rate increases, and we may feel compelled to argue, yell, or even physically resist.
In relationships, fight mode can look like:
- Snapping at a partner when you feel criticized.
- Arguing with a teen who slams their door.
- Getting defensive at work when feedback is given.
While fight can protect us in true danger, in everyday life it often damages relationships.
Therapeutic approach: In CBT, clients learn to notice the thoughts fueling their anger (“They’re disrespecting me,” “I’m being attacked”) and challenge distortions. DBT skills like mindfulness and distress tolerance help pause the reaction before escalation.
One landmark study of suicide attempt survivors revealed that nearly all of them experienced second thoughts, even in the midst of their attempt. Some survivors described profound relief at having survived, realizing in that moment that what they truly wanted was another chance.
This nuance is critical. AI systems are not equipped to recognize ambivalence, pick up on subtle hesitations, or lean into the relational dance of validating pain while nurturing hope. Humans can.
Flight: When Stress Drives Avoidance
The flight response pushes us to escape danger. Physically, this might mean running from a threat. Emotionally, it often looks like avoiding conflict, shutting down hard conversations, or distracting ourselves from uncomfortable feelings.
In relationships, flight mode may show up as:
- Ghosting a friend rather than talking through hurt feelings.
- Avoiding your partner when you sense tension.
- Staying busy with work or social media to avoid inner stress.
Therapeutic approach: CBT helps identify avoidance patterns and gradually face fears through exposure. DBT emphasizes emotion regulation and interpersonal effectiveness, so people can stay engaged instead of running from difficult moments.
Freeze: When Stress Triggers Shutdown
The freeze response is like hitting the pause button. Instead of fighting or fleeing, the body immobilizes. This can look like going blank in conversation, feeling paralyzed by indecision, or dissociating during stress.
Examples of freeze in daily life:
- A student who “goes blank” during an exam.
- A parent who shuts down when their teen yells.
- Feeling unable to speak in a high-pressure meeting.
Freeze can protect us when immediate action would be dangerous, but over time it can create patterns of passivity and helplessness.
Therapeutic approach: DBT teaches grounding and mindfulness to bring awareness back to the present. CBT helps reframe catastrophic thinking and gradually build confidence in responding.
Fawn: The Hidden Fourth Response
As highlighted in the New York Times article, fawning is often overlooked but deeply impactful. Psychotherapist Pete Walker coined the term to describe a survival strategy developed in childhood trauma. When facing a threatening caregiver, some children learned to appease and people-please as a way to stay safe.
Fawning may look like:
- Always saying “yes” even when you want to say “no.”
- Constantly scanning for signs that others are upset.
- Apologizing excessively, even when you did nothing wrong.
- Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions.
Meg Josephson describes this as “dishonest harmony” — choosing superficial peace over authentic connection.
While fawning may have once been protective, in adulthood it often creates burnout, resentment, and shallow relationships.
Therapeutic approach: Both CBT and DBT offer tools for breaking free of fawning. CBT helps identify distorted beliefs like “If they’re upset, I must have done something wrong.” DBT emphasizes interpersonal effectiveness skills, teaching how to set boundaries, say no, and prioritize your own needs without guilt.
Why These Responses Persist
Even when we’re no longer in danger, our nervous system doesn’t always get the memo. A boss’s stern email, a partner’s silence, or a friend’s late reply can trigger the same stress circuits as real danger.
This is why someone might spiral into panic when a text ends with a period, or why a teenager might feel overwhelming shame after being scolded. The body responds as if survival is on the line, even when the situation is safe.
Understanding that these reactions are automatic — not character flaws — is often the first step toward healing.
Many survivors describe this ambivalence by saying they didn’t actually want to die, but rather wanted the pain to stop. For many, being listened to without judgment gave them a renewed will to live.
That is what human connection provides: not just resources or coping strategies, but presence, empathy, and hope.
Breaking the Cycle: Tools for Change
1. Build Awareness
- Notice which stress response you default to. Do you lash out (fight)? Withdraw (flight)? Freeze up? Or appease (fawn)?
- Journaling or therapy can help map your triggers.
2. Practice Mindfulness
- DBT mindfulness skills teach you to pause, notice your body’s signals, and name your emotions.
- Simple grounding techniques (deep breathing, feeling your feet on the floor) help regulate your nervous system.
3. Challenge Distorted Thoughts
- In CBT, you might ask: Is this story absolutely true? Are there other explanations?
- For example: “My boss is mad” could also mean “My boss is stressed” or “This is just their communication style.”
4. Start Small with Boundaries
- Instead of rushing to say “no problem” when it is a problem, practice honest phrases like “I can do that, but it will take more time.”
- Begin with low-stakes situations before tackling harder ones.
5. Build Tolerance for Discomfort
Fawning often comes from fear of conflict. Practicing sitting with discomfort — like letting someone be mildly disappointed — helps build resilience.
6. Prioritize Honest Communication
- As Josephson notes, authentic relationships require honesty. Saying what you mean may feel risky, but it builds trust and deeper connection over time.
How Parents Can Support Teens
For parents, these stress responses may show up clearly during adolescence. A teen might:
- Fight: argue, slam doors, or talk back.
- Flight: avoid family dinners or isolate in their room.
- Freeze: go silent during conflict.
- Fawn: try to be the “perfect” child to avoid disapproval.
Parents can support by:
- Normalizing these responses as human, not flaws.
- Encouraging open conversations about emotions.
- Modeling healthy boundary-setting.
- Seeking therapy when patterns become overwhelming.
When to Seek Help
While everyone experiences fight, flight, freeze, or fawn occasionally, chronic patterns can interfere with relationships, school, work, and self-esteem.
Professional therapy can help interrupt these cycles. At the Counseling Center Group, we provide short-term, evidence-based care that is practical and effective. By learning new coping strategies, clients can move from survival mode to thriving.
Conclusion
Fight, flight, freeze, and fawn are natural human responses to stress. They may have once kept us safe, but when they dominate our lives, they can limit our growth and harm our relationships.
As the New York Times highlighted, fawning — the hidden fourth response — is especially important to recognize, because people-pleasing often masquerades as kindness when it’s really fear in disguise.
The good news is that with awareness, skills, and support, you can retrain your responses. Therapy provides a safe place to notice patterns, challenge unhelpful beliefs, and practice healthier ways of connecting.
If you or your teen are struggling with overwhelming stress responses, we invite you to reach out to the Counseling Center Group to schedule your free consultation. With the right support, it is possible to move beyond survival — and into a life that feels balanced, authentic, and worth living.
