Willingness - A DBT Skill

The DBT Skill of Willingness empowers us to fully engage with life, responding to situations with openness and awareness. Willingness means doing exactly what’s needed in any given moment with wholehearted intent. It involves listening carefully to your Wise Mind and allowing it to guide your actions. When you practice Willingness, you’re present and aware, making thoughtful choices that align with the situation at hand.

Before diving into how to practice Willingness, it’s important to understand its opposite: Willfulness. Willfulness is resistance. It’s about refusing to accept the present moment or resisting necessary changes. Willfulness often manifests in the desire to control or fix every situation. Instead of working with reality, you focus on your immediate desires, often saying things like, “Yes, but…” when others offer solutions. While Willfulness keeps us stuck, Willingness moves us toward our goals by fostering adaptability and openness.

Willingness, on the other hand, is about embracing life’s circumstances with wisdom, flexibility, and without resentment. It’s the opposite of trying to control everything. So how do you shift from Willfulness to Willingness? Start by noticing when you’re being willful—label it, feel it. Accept that in this moment, you may be acting willfully. Then, actively Turn Your Mind toward acceptance and Willingness. Simple practices like Half Smiling and adopting a willing posture can help you make this shift.

When Willingness feels hard to access, ask yourself, “What’s the threat?” Often, we find that the real or imagined threat can be managed with other DBT skills. Willingness doesn’t mean surrendering or being walked over—it’s about actively participating in reality and using your skills to face challenges. As Gerald May once said, “Willingness is saying ‘yes’ to the mystery of being alive in each moment. Willfulness is saying ‘no,’ or perhaps more commonly, ‘yes, but…’”

In essence, Willingness is about responding to life as it is, rather than fighting it, helping you move forward with clarity and purpose.